When a person is willing to learn this world opens up to them. A basic part of learning is admitting you don’t know something. If you can’t do this first step how can you absorb new things? If you’re there to learn (whatever), but the push is from someone else far more than from within yourself, in my opinion you won’t learn much.
I find this is true when it comes to hobbies, sports, reading, college, associates, work, dating, etc. I’ve observed it is especially true that we won’t learn much in a new subject if our upbringing made us wrongly believe stigmas. For instance therapy, the mind, emotions, and logic are the art of the most highly respected people. Think about it. If someone is cool through hard experiences, we gravitate to them. Yet, the opposite of cool or fierceness, and impulsiveness under pressure who then can’t apologize for their outburst… That is a dangerous person. Avoid them if they practice remorse, then anger in both ways going too far in either one. Walk slowly away from such people without emotional control. They likely are hiding an addiction if you just met them or maybe you already know their addiction but their remorseful side keeps pulling you back in.
Hard work has given me the perspective I needed to always keep my cool at work, or at least always be open to changing my perspective as soon as someone I trust suggest to keep an open mind. It’s incredible how far we can advance in the work world if we trust that good people give good advice. It’s especially important to trust advice (or ideas), when they come from multiple trusted people. In mathematics, we are taught to ignore the rarely occurring, “outlier.” When I meet people who can’t see they’re hyper focus on extremely rare things, like movie star lives, vaccines cause autism, pesticides don’t cause health problems, or their dead family ghost will soon talk to them if they just listen, I smile, and slowly back away remembering to never talk to them again. They’re stuck in some fantasy world. Not sure why and don’t want to waste my time finding out.
The most important aspects of therapy I take to heart have to do with my mother and my work background. I worked my ass off as a child and young adult. Since second grade our family business was selling firewood. I’ll make a bulleted list below of ways I’ve put myself out in the world to earn a dollar, but here point out I rarely meet people with harder upbringings. That shapes people as long as they don’t break. I didn’t break. I grew strong and have opinions about shitty coworkers. I grew wise about the work world. There’s structure for a reason otherwise chaos would ruin us. Insubordination can’t be tolerated. A trouble employee has a problem with skill or will. If it’s the latter, they likely need to find a new job. I’ll stop there about work, but just suffice to say I know when I spot good employees and managers and feel productivity, but I also can smell when somethings wrong. I’m not talking about the rare emotional outbursts of being human here, I mean watching for trends.
I was elated when my dirt bag coworkers in the military went to jail (the brig), after showing up to work late enough times. I wish that happened in the civilian world too. Showing up to work still drunk or hungover stories are another reason I will slowly back away smiling, never to talk to that person again…
My mother grew up with servants never working a hard day in her life until she was in her 40’s. Until then she’d been handed silver platter work nearly oblivious to the sweat and blood of broad shouldered types. Her dad was a diplomat and did little to raise her knowing the value of money. My mother has said those exact words to me over and over. Like it’s her dads fault she don’t know how to save money. Bullshit! I won’t inherit any money when she dies, but I also had to work for every dollar I had. I never will relate to my mom’s childhood. Each time she shares some detail, all I see are mansions, butlers, servants and globe trotting with first world problems being portrayed as real problems. Entitlement.
It was when therapy showed me I was attracted to dating women like my mom that I again stood up and took notice, like bosses of old showing me an important work skill. The detail about dating, if ignored, would continually lead to my ruin. My mind is soothed when rules are uncovered and their adaptation makes my life much easier. Outliers always pop up but should be ignored until they form their own patterns, if ever, but even then, a little more learning solves most patterns. Back to my mom and hard work.
I realized since my second half of sophomore year in high school until recently I’d only been attracted to very rich women for dating. It was a trend I without knowing why until now. In my 30’s the why began eating away at me. Why had a history of dating very rich women been my path. I was now open to learning. When a theme developed and I asked about it in therapy, that I’d dated only rich women, another theme opened up. I’d helped these women far past the point they should help themselves. I was shining a light on a dark part of my cellar. I’d been finding equally inept women to the ineptness of the woman who raised me. My mom and the women I was attracted to hadn’t worked a hard physical job in their lives. I’ll maybe go into detail about stories, but only after I know I’ve learned from them, and they’re useful to anyone reading this, and I can retell them in a way that those powerful families can’t threaten to silence me anymore. Until then I might fall prey to just complaining without resolution or sharing particulars which those families would kill me for sharing.
So, being open to work advice, dating advice, and many other experts helps us all. The speaker and the listener both learn. I now listen closely to women for two things. Do they continually spout depressing stories which are just poor me attention grabbing stories, or do the women describe lives without stories of actual work ever being done by them personally? If either is true I stand up, thank them for their time, and slowly delete all contact information and back away into the mist, never to return their communications. The former depressed women or the latter spoiled women if combined with impulse control problems, and addiction problems, like shopping or drugs, look out! That is a recipe for entitlement. Ever heard a woman (or man), complain about something which is meaningless in the larger scheme of the world? I’ve sailed down that fjord enough to know now to turn back around and avoid it when I spot it. Perhaps these women are truly open to therapy, like I was open to new learning, but they must desire to get better from within themselves or no amount of pushing from outside will cause these women to change any way other than temporarily.
Just one story about a woman I dated, then dated again almost 20 years later. A high school sweetheart then later romance in my mid thirties. Since high school just into college she began using heroine and prescription drugs for pain relief and cocaine and ecstasy and sex for play time. Since high school I’d not kept in touch but via FuckBook, found her and instantly was in love again. She hid her drug addiction at first. We proceeded to have a very physical relationship for a brief time and one theme I noticed… she finally had her first job ever? That job was counseling addicts, working with therapists to prescribe methadone, and one more gigantic detail. Her family made her take such a job because she was once an addicts at the same clinic she worked. Like her family punishing her. Years before her family found her looking dead having fallen out of bed with a loud thud passed out and a heroine needle still in her arm. She said she was scraping the bottom of her heroin supply and likely shot up some plastic with a tiny bit of heroin. Her arm track marks were the largest scar types I’d ever seen. Anyway, that job where she took up teaching yoga to addicts was the first time she’d worked hard in all her life. She was 37 then. I want to say there’s hope for these women, but I think it’s too late for them to understand how hard money is to come by. Last time I saw her I was replacing her door locks and fixing a busted window because her old roommate was breaking in her basement stealing valuables. Family heirlooms going back generations were being sold so other addicts could get high and all this woman could do was curl up in a ball and cry until her prescription drugs kicked in and she passed out. In the floors above this woman lived her successful brother, unaware of the toxic conditions her sister was hiding below. Lucky for him he’d nailed and blocked the door to the basement from his younger sister but she shrieked at me one day when I said she needed to tell her family they were bleeding valuables and the police were needed. I never looked back and left that day. I’ll never forget her coming over smoking a cigarette to ask me if I’d installed the dead bolt incorrectly and shouldn’t the screw heads face outside. It’s hard not to feel overwhelming sadness for such people. But unless they get better from within, no amount of being their wheelchair will make them change.
Some things women do is becoming more common place and I being the dad of a young girl wonder how we can fix the problems of sexting, fantasy scenario living, and ultimately teaching women how to say no. How to we teach our women as a whole society and as a planet and species just how dangerous their behavior is when they’re victims, being stolen from by other addicts? No. is a complete sentence and some adult women never use it. I just hope I can show my daughter the basic skills needed so she has a chance to make it to a ripe old age.
I’ve discovered that whole parts of society are built up around needless things. We seem to be unable to teach ourselves at young ages simple things, like work hard and listen to trusted elders. The cops, DEA and law enforcement need pot to keep busy and justify jobs; yet so too does a whole other part of society need out of control women. It keeps law enforcement, lawyers, counselors, therapists, pharmacists, drug companies, judges and jails all busy having pot be criminal or women out of control. Again, I think empowering women to be more self sufficient, and strong is the answer.
Punitive responses which limit learning, interaction or communication about vital life skills only leads to more women without important life experiences.
Ever listened to a woman talk about some fantasy TV show like Ghost hunter, or the Kardashians? Isn’t it strange when people with so much intelligence and free time waste it on superstition or worship of things they’ll never change?
I think advertising is partially to blame when it over and over puts words in our vocabulary which wrongly assign a want as a need. Real needs like hunger, shelter, clothes, a job are not the same as staring at a football game or rich debutants life on TV. Please please please turn off your TV for one year and see how good it feels. Please.
This page is under construction, subject to change.